What can we learn about leadership from...Married at First Sight

⚠️Spoiler Alert: The leadership lessons referenced here are from Married at First Sight [MAFS]: San Diego / Season 15. If you don't like spoilers, bookmark this page and comeback⚠️

Before I start sharing the lessons, I want to offer how I am defining leadership as the "process of being responsible for and responsive to self and others." Keep that in mind as you read. 

Lesson #1: Overcommunicate

• MAFS Scene: There was some B roll playing where we got a sneak peak of Alexis getting BIG MAD (and rightfully so) at Justin because Justin was "overcommunicating". One the issues here is that Justin really thought he was doing that, being proactive and open about sharing information but not to the degree that Alexis was desiring.
• How we can use this to inform our leadership: Again, I whole-heartedly understand and am confuzzled by all of the odds (like trauma, oppression, culture, etc.) that complicate our ability to navigate, relate and build strong, care-centered relationships with one another. So when I heard this issue over to overcommunicate or not overcommunicate, I immediately noted the ways we miss the mark with each other because we don't know how to communicate clearly or effectively, particularly if you are a leader with a team. Everyone needs to practice good communication skills but as the person leading and managing the team, this skill is even more crucial.
• Alternatives to lead differently:
  1. Be specific and thorough about what your team 'must-know' as it relates to their work or the task at hand. Why? Once your team (or the people around you) are privy to the necessary information you have, they are better equipped to support you and the larger vision. And once the team has a fuller picture of what you're trying to achieve or do, they can them point you in the right direction to continue on your way or provide information about something you had no awareness to consider had you not displayed the full picture.
  2. There's an Emergent Strategy principle that says "Move at the speed of trust. Focus on critical connections more than critical mass — build the resilience by building the relationships." We know how important trust is and I want to invite us to turn the volume up on how our actions or approaches are increasing or decreasing trust with our team or the people around us. In the scene above, Justin and Alexis lost a shit ton of trust because Alexis felt like she couldn't trust Justins' word. So what would it look like for you, as a leader, to challenge the power hierarchy that says you need to have all the answers. What would that look like? How would that be received?
• IG Reel that inspired this lesson: HERE 

Lesson #2: Acknowledge stress/ trauma responses

• MAFS Scene: I can't remember why they were arguing but Alexis and Justin were arguing and Alexis had about enough of that so she kept repeating, "I'm done. I'm done". I believe Justin took this as Alexis giving up, but from a trauma-informed perspective, I saw this as an activated stress/ trauma response.
• How we can use this to inform our leadership: As someone who seeks to be responsive in the way they show up in the world, recognizing stress and trauma responses (for me) is at the top of that list. Based on Alexis' response, I would consider that a flight response that says "I can't handle what is happening right now? or "I need [this] to end before it escalates and I say something that I regret or don't mean".
• Alternatives to lead differently:
  1. You don't need to become a stress or trauma expert, but becoming familiar will only help your ability to be responsive. When someone is responding with a flight response, respect the boundary and decide on when you two (or whoever is involved) will reconvene to continue the conversation. The goal here is to maintain the connection while being mindful on the emotional bandwidth that is available.
  2. A stress or trauma activation like this can be lessened or planned for by making space to be proactive. I'm someone that believes "Stay Ready So You Don't Have To Get Ready". One way I have seen this flight response in action (because I've done it when I was targeted at work) is by having a proactive conversation about how to give and receive feedback. Feedback (whether it be easy or difficult to hear) is a complex, tender thing and we want to approach it with the care that it deserves. Need help in this area? Sign up for the Feel Good Feedback Guide HERE.

• IG Reel that inspired this lesson: HERE

LET'S KEEP THE CONVERSATION GOING

• HAVE QUESTIONS? Comment below!
• GOT A-HA MOMENT? Feel free to share below and help someone else out!
• OFFERING SUGGESTIONS? I'm open to ideas for how I could help you do this in your leadership. Maybe it's a course, template or class? Let me know!

📌 NOTE: These comments will be public so folx can engage with each other. I hope this kicks off fruitful conversation for all of us📌